Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.