In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.