Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die