In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
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Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
