Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.