In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”