In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.