Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

a fate I wish upon no one

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream