Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

The funk soul brother

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy