In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media