Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

this has done me in for some reason

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.