*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
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Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Strangers have the best candy.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
watergate? u mean a dam??
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’