*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.


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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.


Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.


Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms


Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.


There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.


My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.


Sarcasm :

Because life doesn’t come with a free “stay out of jail card”


Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders


Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol


[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”