*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.