Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.