In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them