Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”
– My Dad