In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

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[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend


I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.


my little pony implies the existence of a larger, more terrifying my pony


[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”


You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.



Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.


Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of a place she went to in the past with a caption that says “take me back </3”


ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’


Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…