In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.