Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Never forget.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Cry smarter, not harder.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.