In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
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In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”