In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
we all know this pain all too well
The Struggle
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country