Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

The answer is funnier than the question

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above