Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model