In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
You sure about that?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
