In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
😭😭
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
