In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement