In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I beg your pardon?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go