Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

🤷‍♀️

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.