Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

How does one answer this?

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

#oldknees

Banderslack Clamberdorch

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.