In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti