Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

what’s really going on

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.