In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
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When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Stop.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.