In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My dress code is business-casualty.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
crazy
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
When you’ve simply given up.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”