In banana years, I am bread.
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Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
weddings should have a worst man
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.