In banana years, I am bread.
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Look at this
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
True story 🤣
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased