In banana years, I am bread.
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Great acting.. 😂
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own