Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

I hate when that happens.

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.