Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

went fishing caught a bass

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do