Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

i meant to share this earlier

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi