[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
me watching my own Instagram story
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.