In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.

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People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.


My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.


Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys


I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.


Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.


me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché


Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom


“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.


I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!


*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?