@Mikecanrant

In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.

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@juliussharpe

People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.

@heyitsJudeD

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

@miss_foofoo

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

@difficultpatty

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

@pilau

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

@ArielBen6

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

@YourFavMexi_Can

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

@WowYoureFunny

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!

@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?