Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.