Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.