[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Look, a pure bread cat!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?