Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

Getting married soon just need a spouse

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

going to the ER y’all need anything

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Someone just threatened to call me later

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990