[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
2 years later
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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