In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
