In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
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My background check bounced.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
“OMGJK” -atheists
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.