In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
This meal prepping shit easy
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8