[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.