[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.