[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.