Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.