Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”