Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

As a doctor, I can confirm

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

Wow 🤣