Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?