Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.