Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Tremendous stuff

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.