Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

smartest karate player in the world

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting