Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.