Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

sugar glider wrangler

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!