[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me