Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

S O O N

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it