Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

hmmm

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots