[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.