Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said