Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.