[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!