Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)