Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

#winning

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.