Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

#Caturday

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.