[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Does it…does it take 3 days
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
$3 #books
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
tourist season
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..