Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.