Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.