Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent