[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Happy thanksgiving
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.