Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

A fake ID that makes you younger