@mommajessiec

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@MCaparco

Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.

@MaryJustice86

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

@david8hughes

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
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@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@wife_housy

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

@markydoodoo

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.